Oh, My Soul
by haunted-mind-14
Summary: Phil [CM Punk] Brooks and Mickie James pairing. Second chapter added. [She runs through my veins like a long black river and rattles my cage like a thunderstorm...oh, my soul.]
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note...This story is set during both current time and flashbacks of incidents happening between 2002 and the present. It's mostly based on Punk referencing things that happened during the time in 2003 and 2004 when Punk and Mickie were both in TNA, as part of Raven's flock.

Flashbacks will be denoted by _italics_. The song lyrics that inspired this story will be included at the very end. The song used is "How Do You Keep Love Alive?" by Ryan Adams. The story is told from CM Punk's point of view. This is nothing but a work of fiction. Names and song lyrics are not mine and are used without permission. I am making no profit from this story. Enjoy!

I'm standing backstage preparing for the biggest match of my career. I'm at Wrestle-fucking-mania. I'm about to go out there with the greatest group of guys that you could possibly ask for in the WWE for an ensemble type of match like Money In The Bank. I'm nervous, to say the least. Maybe a little hesitant, even scared if you want to call it that. But more than that, as I watch her pass me by as she breezes through the curtain to the backstage area after the Women's title match, I begin to feel that familiar gnawing ache flow through my body. _"Great. Fucking great." _I mumble as I see her cast a wayward glance my direction. I look down. I can't return the eye contact for more than the second that I did. I just can't. Not after three and a half years...probably not even after ten years Will I be able to. This will always be with me. It'll never cease to haunt me, her and her wretched decision.

"_I don't think I've ever wrestled in Virginia...looks kinda boring." I say to Joe as we unload our bags from the trunk and start walking to the venue. My tongue toyed with my lip ring as I tried to remember what the name of the independent wrestling organization we were wrestling for that night was. Damn, I wish my memory was a little better. I couldn't even remember if I'd brushed my teeth this morning. _

"_Looks like a lot of farm land...and it's hot." Joe mumbles as he throws his bag over his shoulder. _

"_Yeah..." I say as my eyes, and I'm sure Joe's too, wander over to a girl across the parking lot. She had long brown hair and was wearing the shortest skirt I think I'd ever seen in my life. She was a short little petite thing and she looked friendly, so I decided as I said to Joe "I'll meet you inside..." that I would help her with her bags._

"_Hey...uh, can I help ya carry something?" I asked, leaning against her car. She looked up, her eyes meeting with mine, smiling at me. Her face was warm, welcoming. Her body was all curves, the epitome of what the word 'womanly' should look like, in my eyes. _

"_Sure." she said cheerfully. I smiled as she piled her bag on my empty shoulder and we began walking together. "Isn't it beautiful?" she asks._

"_Isn't what beautiful?" I ask._

"_Virginia." she replies. "It's my home. My grandpa owns a farm up the road. It's the most beautiful place on earth, as far as I'm concerned." she continued. "Animals, land as far as you can see, flowers, just life all around you...that's what living is."_

"_I'm a city boy, myself. I'm from Chicago." I say._

"_Ugh. How can you breathe there?" she asks. I pretend not to be offended and stifle the urge to ask her how she could live with the stench of cow manure on a daily basis. Instead I asked for her name. "Mickie." she says, holding out a hand for me to shake. I accept it, Mickie holding my hand in both of hers as she smiled up at me and squeezed enthusiastically. _

"_So, what do you do? You a valet or a wrestler or what?" I ask her._

"_I wrestle." she replies. "And I do it well...among other things." _

"You ready, kid?" Booker T asks me as he pats me on the back. "You feeling alright? You look a little pale."

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say softly. "I just need to stretch, maybe walk around a little bit." I don't want to say that the feeling of regret that's been my most faithful companion over the last few years is taking over me. I don't want to let on that I'm upset just by her presence in the same building as I am. I don't want anyone to know how angry this makes me. I just want to push it all away and wrestle. I wish it were time for our match.

"Don't let the word "Wrestlemania" overwhelm you." he says as he walks away, patting my back one last time before he does. I wish it were just a word that was currently overwhelming me. It's much more than that. So much.

"_Because it's disrespectful to you, it's degrading! It's not the way, Mick!!!" I argue. _

"_What if I don't see it that way, though, Phil?" she retaliates. "What if I actually enjoy stripping? Maybe I like having my photos taken when I'm nude!?!?" she yells, pausing shortly as I stare at her. We'd been having this argument over the last four months, since we'd started dating. I wanted her to quit her job stripping and being an adult magazine model and instead wrestle full time. I had even gotten her a tryout with TNA wrestling, where I was about to start wrestling part time. "No other man I've ever dated has had a problem with it."_

"_Well, I'm NOT any other man you've ever dated." I say, standing up and walking over to where she stood. "I'm not any other man. I'm just me. And I'm thinking about what's the best thing for you. There are plenty of other ways to pay for college, Mickie. Besides..." I whisper as I wrap my arms around her waist. "...I know you. I know that deep down, that's not you and that's not what you really want to do with you life." I kiss her neck gently like I know she likes, hoping it will help persuade her. _

"_I know...I know." she whispers as she leans back against my body. _

"_Come to Nashville with me, then." I say as I tighten my grip on her. "Have your tryout, baby. You're a tiger in the ring. They'll take you." I say as I turn her around and pick her up into my arms, carrying her to my bed. "And if they don't...I'll choke them all out." I exclaim as I set her down. _

"_Phil..." she whispers as she kisses me. _

After aimlessly wandering for a little while, I find an empty hallway and pace down it a few times, back and forth. I tell myself I have to push her out of my head for the night. It's not like I haven't done it before and I won't have to do it again. Tonight though, I'm feeling the sting of it a little more than usual. Maybe it's my unusual case of nerves combined with that generalized feeling of heartbreak and betrayal I associate with Mickie that's making my pulse pound and my head throb.

"Why'd she have to do it the way she did...why?" I ask myself. "Goddammit!!!" I yell softly as I kick the doorway. I'd give anything right now to alleviate this sinking feeling of disappointment coursing through me.

"_C'mon, Phil. Aren't you going to at least come out with us for a little while?" Mickie asks me as I recline on our hotel room bed. _

"_Nope, not tonight." I say. "I'm sore, Mickie. My knee is killing me. Not tonight. I just want to rest. Besides...I have to catch a plane to Jersey after the show tomorrow night. I want to sleep tonight." I grumble. She's standing there, that demanding look on her face, her hands planted firmly on her hips. _

"_Dammit, Phil. I swear, sometimes you're just no fucking fun." she says as she pulls on her coat._

"_Sorry." is all I can think of to say, although I don't think I should be apologizing. _

"_Fine." she sighs. "I guess Scott, Julio and the rest of us will just have to have our fun without you." She kisses me on the forehead and walks out, leaving me wishing that she would have just stayed here with me instead of going out with the others. Something about it upset me. I didn't know what. A chill crept up and down my back as I tried to settle into bed. I went in and out of sleep for some time, laying there and closing my eyes but not being able to turn off my mind. I turned over and glanced at the clock. It was almost two am already, and no sign of Mickie yet. I scratched my head, wondering where she could be as I dialed her cell number. "Her phone's off...great." I say. _

I've never told anyone. I don't think Mickie has either, but if she has, then it's remained private. Three. It would be three years this month. Yeah..._would_ be. When I think of everything I have missed out on...I wouldn't know how to start listing the things because I can't even imagine what they would all be. Steps. Words. Milestones. Missed life. An entire missed life. Just carelessly thrown out. Gone, gone forever after just a few minutes. I'll never understand.

"_When...?" I ask her, shooting her a gaze that I thought would surely have killed her. _

"_My appointment is Thursday afternoon." she says, choking up as she looks away from my eyes. _

"_No." I whisper._

"_No, what?" she yells. "Phil, we can't do this. I'm not ready...you aren't either. It's just the best thing for us both if I go and get it over with." she says, beginning to cry._

_I let my head fall down into my hands as I sigh. "Oh, yeah. This is what's best." I say sarcastically. "How could you even think of doing such a thing, Mickie? I...You...I love you, but sometimes lately I don't even know you."_

"_Phil, I don't care right now if you love me or not, or if you know me or not. That's not what this is about. It's about my body and my life and what's best for both." she says coldly as she packs up her wrestling gear in her bag. _

"_And what about mine? What about my life?" I ask, raising my head up and staring at her. _

_She sighs and walks over to where I sit on the bed. "It'll be just fine, you'll see." she whispers to me, taking my face in her hands. _

_I push them away, asking "Why not just have it and let me take care of it. You don't have to do anything, Mick. I'll take the full burden. I'll raise our kid. Just please, don't have this abortion..." I say, feeling myself begin to beg. _

_Her back to me, she replies "No. No, Phil. I can't."_

"_WHY NOT!?!?" I yell, Mickie visibly shuddering as I do. _

"_Because there's a good chance it might not be yours!!!" she yells back at me, turning to face me. I don't know how to respond. I want to take her in my arms and shake her. I want to yell until she changes her mind. I want to die. I do none of these things, though. I just sit, falling silent as she finishes. "But I guess we'll never know, now will we. I'm getting this abortion, Phil. There's nothing you can do about it."_

I'm sitting on the floor in the hallway when Jeff Hardy finds me. "Punk? There you are. We've got about five minutes, man." Jeff says as he reaches out an arm to me. "Come on." he smiles. I let him help pull me up from my sorry spot on the ground and we head back to the curtain. "You ready?" Jeff asks as he puts his arm around me and smiles, his eyes locking on to mine.

"Ready." I nod, trying to push the knot in my stomach away for the time being. There's always going to be a part of me that's missing. It's a big part, maybe the biggest. I feel empty tonight, as I do most nights. I wrestle because it makes me feel, it always has. I started wrestling because I had this fire inside of me, a burning passion I had to get out. Nowadays, I feel the fire has gone out. But, I keep on. I have to wrestle. I have to. It's the only thing that still makes me feel like I'm alive. The one thing that makes me feel anything at all.

I'll never know what could have been. I'll never know if her kid was mine, what it would have looked like. How it would have changed my life to have been a father. I'll never know. All I know is that, even as my music hits and I cross through that curtain, part of me died right along with that child...mine or not.

_Lord, I miss that girl_

_On the day we met the sun was shining down_

_Down on the valley_

_Riddled with horses running_

_Crushing them with flowers_

_I would have picked for her_

_On the day she was born_

_She runs through my veins like a long black river_

_And rattles my cage like a thunderstorm_

_Oh my soul_

_What does it mean?_

_What does it mean?_

_What does it mean to be so sad?_

_When someone you love_

_Someone you love is supposed to make you happy_

_What do you do_

_How do you keep love alive?_

_When it won't._

_What, what are the words_

_They use when they know it's over_

_"We need to talk," or_

_"I'm confused", "maybe later you can come over"_

_I would've held your mother's hand_

_On the day you was born_

_She runs through my veins_

_Like a long black river and rattles my cage_

_Like a thunderstorm_

_Oh, my soul_

_What does it mean?_

_What does it mean?_

_What does it mean to be so sad?_

_When someone you love_

_Someone you love is supposed to make you happy_

_What do you do_

_How do you keep love alive?_

_When it won't_

_How do you keep love alive?_


	2. Sin Is Contemplated

Author's Note...This is an extension of the story I posted a few days back named "Oh, My Soul...". I at first thought that story would stand alone, that what I had written would be it, but then I watched the Samoa Joe and CM Punk shoot interview the other night and thought of this to finish the story. If you haven't read the first part, you should do that before reading this.

Here's a little bit of background so that you understand what's going on this chapter. In the Samoa Joe and Punk shoot interview, when asked about Christopher Daniels, they say that they refer to him as "OMD", or "Old Man Daniels". Punk tells about the first time he held "OMD"'s daughter. He said he felt awkward because he didn't know how to hold a baby, I think his exact words as he made this motion of holding out the kid in his outstretched arms were "Hey...a baby!!!" or something to that likeness. He tells how he didn't know how to hold a baby, that he didn't realize he had to support her neck and such. Punk goes on to tell how Daniels says to him "What are ya doing...holding my daughter like she's a cactus???" So, from that Punk calls her "Cactus". He tells about how he buys the "Cactus" all these awesome clothes like onesies with skulls on them and such, but how the "Cactus" never wears them but when he sees her and how he's referred to as "Uncle Punk". I found all this rather cute and thought it fit in well with some of what I had written.

The song lyrics used at the bottom are "Innocent" by Fuel. I thought they fit in well, even though I'm not sure about Punk and religion. I don't quite know where his beliefs fall, I thought that he was agnostic or an atheist, but I could be wrong. Either way, the lyrics fit what I was trying to write and the story I was telling, so I used them. Flashbacks are in _italics._ Everything else is told from right after Wrestlemania, right where the first part of the story left off.

I own nobody and the names and song lyrics are being used without permission. This is nothing more than a work of fiction. I am making no profit from this.

"Coming with us to catch a bite to eat, Punker?" Jeff asked me after our match.

"Nah. All I really want is a hot shower and a soft bed." I sigh. I shove my things into my bag and throw it onto the shoulder that _isn't_ sore as hell, happy that I could even remember which was which after that match we'd just had.

"Not even going to stick around for the last couple of matches?" he asks as I get up to leave.

"No...I think I should be going. It's been a long day for me." I say, feeling something more than defeated. Not only was I referring to my match of earlier, but to life in general, at least in this moment anyway. Some days were better than others. Today happened to be one of the heavier ones. "I'll catch ya tomorrow?" I say as I cast one last glance and a wave over my shoulder at Jeff.

"Yeah, man...take it easy, okay?" he says to me slowly, almost as though he can detect that there's something more going on than what meets the eye.

I'm a little too proud to tell him he's right, so I just say "Of course" and grin at him one last time before leaving the room. Jeff and I were pretty friendly. We talked quite often, sometimes even traveled together. I'd thought about telling him once or twice about what had happened between Mickie and I, but I had never actually gone through with it. I think more than anything that I thought if I just told _someone _maybe it would lift some of that strain off of me, that it would weigh a little less than it did. I never told anyone though, so it kept right on weighing me down, everyday.

The Detroit breeze was sharply more chilling than it had been when I had arrived at the arena earlier today. It fit my mood. Cold.

"_Well...I did it. It's over. It's done. It went well...the pain isn't too bad..." she began. I rather rudely cut her off mid-sentence._

"_Mickie, why the fuck did you call me?" I yelled into my phone. _

"_What?!?! Phil, all I'm trying..." she yelled in return. _

"_FUCK TRYING!!!" I screamed, once again cutting her off. I hoped I'd injured her eardrum. It was the least I could do. "Why did you bother calling me, Mick? To rub it in my face? To tell me that your abortion had gone off without a hitch?_ _Maybe you just wanted someone to feel sorry for you and didn't know who else to call? What are you really expecting me to say right now??? That I'm so relieved you went and got rid of our baby? That I should be thanking you for THROWING THE FUCK AWAY what might have been my only chance to father a child???" I ranted. _

"_OH, SHUT THE HELL UP, PHIL!!!" she screamed at me, her voice cracking several times as she did. Good, I'd made her cry. She deserved to cry. She deserved more than to cry. "You don't even know if it was yours..."_

"_Yeah, and thanks for that too...Mick. While I'm thanking you for everything you've done for me...thanks for being a damned whore and cheating on me while we were together. THANK YOU!!!!!" I screamed. I just didn't care anymore. I was livid and I wanted her to know it. _

"_Fuck you, Phil...Fuck you."she said, crying harder now. Her words came out slowly and choppily. "You...you think this is all about you, don't you Phil?...You aren't the only one who's going to hurt because of this..." she said softly. "It hurts me too..."_

"_Oh, BOO HOO!!!" I yelled, not caring if I hurt her. It was beyond that, it had come to the point where nothing mattered to me but what she had done and how she had gone about it. She should have just shoved a knife in my throat. It would have been quicker. "You know, you didn't have to do it. You had other options. You know you did. You brought any pain that you might feel on yourself, Mickie. Nobody else is to blame. And now I have to live with it too...thanks to you...dammit, Mick..." I stuttered out, feeling myself beginning to cry as well. _

"_Fuck off, Phil." she said as she disconnected from me. _

The traffic was horrendous. I thought maybe if I'd left a little early that I'd be able to get back to my hotel room quickly, but no...I bit my lip as I sat, waiting at the longest red light I think I'd ever waited for in all of my life. All I wanted was sleep. It was a great escape, sleep. I was hoping that it would come easily for me tonight, though the prospect of it looked pretty bleak.

When I finally got to my room I showered, hoping that the hot water would loosen up the tight pain in my muscles and help to make me sleepy. I flopped down onto the bed, arranging the pillows behind me so that I could prop my head up comfortably. I turned on the television and mindlessly flipped through the channels, not even paying attention to what I was flashing before my eyes. A Geico commercial...maybe a sitcom here and there...I don't even know why I had bothered to turn on the television, I wasn't really interested in watching anything that it would offer me...I guess I had just been looking for something to distract me. It wasn't working.

"_Phil?"_

_That voice coming from behind me was all too familiar. I wish I didn't know that tone, but I did. I stopped my stretching and cocked my head, frowning as I turned to face her. _

"_What?" I asked softly, looking at her. She looked the same, but different. It still hurt, the same or not, to look at her. _

"_Welcome to OVW." she said with all the sincerity she could manage, a half smile across her lips. _

_I didn't have the patience, the desire, or the time to do this right now. I had to get away from her before I said something I may regret. I hadn't seen her for almost two years. I wanted to keep it that way. It was good for me. How does that saying go...'if it ain't broke...' yeah, that seemed fitting. "Yeah...thanks. Excuse me..." I said as I hurried past her._

"_No...Phil..." she said as she hooked her arm into mine. "Wait...please..." she begged. I looked down at her, her eyes swelled over with tears. "I...I just..." she began. _

"_What? You what?" I said sharply, tugging my arm out of hers. She was looking down at the floor, her hands fidgeting in front of her body nervously. "What, Mickie? I have a match in about ten minutes. I really don't have time to ..."_

"_I'm sorry." she whispered at the ground. "Phil...I'm sorry." she said a bit more loudly. She glanced up at me, her face now stained with tears. "I want you to forgive me..." she began to say._

"_OH NO." I said, shaking my head. "Are you fucking kidding me, Mickie?" _

"_Phil, not so loud. I don't want anyone to hear." she said, reaching for my hand. _

"_Yeah, I'll bet you don't..." I stepped away from her, saying "You think I'm going to give you the satisfaction of forgiveness?" I pointed at her, hoping it would make what I said next that much more emphatic as well as painful. "I will never forgive you. Not for as long as I live. You will never get forgiveness from me, no matter what should happen in either one of our lives." _

"_Phil, don't be that way..." she said softly, wiping away some of the tears. _

"_I will be any old way I want, Mickie. You and I both know how powerful of a thing forgiveness is. It's something I will not ever grant you, I promise you that." I said as I turned away._

"_Phil, please...I need this..." she said as I began to walk away from her. _

"_Too fucking bad. You didn't care what I needed then...I don't care what you need now. And if I never have to lay eyes on you again I can die a happy man."_

"_Phil...don't..." I didn't care what kind of plea she may have been making. I kept walking away from her. If she thought that she was going to get an ounce of forgiveness out of me she was sadly mistaken. _

I was gazing mindlessly at the television when my phone rang. The familiar letters OMD flashed across the screen. "Hey, old timer." I said when I picked up.

"Hey ya punk!!! I had to call you and congratulate you on your first Wrestlemania." Daniels said.

"Yeah, thanks." I replied.

"So how was it?" he asked.

"It was good, it was a fun experience." I said. "Hey, maybe by the time you're eighty you'll get on too." I joked.

"Yeah...I see that happening." he returned the joke. "You know, I'm happy where I am. I don't care if I ever get on to Vince's show."

"Hey, I've been meaning to tell you...you've got something on your face...I think you need to wash it or something...I mean it looks like it'll come right off..." I said, beginning to laugh at the thought of old man Daniels with a full beard.

"Yeah, ha ha ha ha!!!!" he said. "I haven't heard that one about a hundred times this last week, Phil."

"What??? You expected me not to say anything?" I joked.

"I saw it coming, actually. From a mile away. So, what...huh? Oh, okay, baby. Phil...Cactus has something very important to tell you. Here she is." Daniels said.

"Uncle Punk?" that little voice asked over the line.

Cactus. My name for his little girl. She was my little buddy. Ever since she was born, right away I had fallen in love with her. Maybe I was trying to replace something. I didn't know. But I loved that little girl. To her I was "Uncle Punk", and I loved it.

"Yes, darling?" I asked.

"I, uh, I wanted to tell you something." she continued.

"What's that, sweetie?" I asked, sitting up.

"I'm wearing the shirt you brought me." she said happily.

"Which one is that, Cactus?" I asked.

"The one with the red letters and the skull head on it..." she said.

"Oh, okay. I know which one." I lied. I bought her virtually everything that had a skull on it, much to her parent's chagrin. Oh well, at least she was wearing it.

"I like it." she said. "Uncle Punk?" she asked me, her tone changing.

"Yeah, honey?" I asked.

"When m'I gonna see you again?" she asked softly.

I had a hard time keeping from choking up as I answered her. "Uh...real soon darling. Maybe in a week or so. You know Uncle Punk's real busy on the road. But I'll make a day to come and see you, I promise."

"Promise?" she cooed sweetly.

I couldn't stop the choke in my throat or the tear that fell down my chin that time. "Promise." I said to her. "Tell your daddy to give you a kiss for me tonight, okay?" I said, my voice breaking as I did. I hoped she wouldn't pick up on it.

"Okay. I love you, Uncle Punk." she said softly.

"I love you too, Cactus. Uncle Punk loves you." I said, crying harder.

"I know. Here's daddy." she said.

"Punk?"

"Yeah, I'm here." I said, trying to swallow down the tears and sound normal.

"She misses you, ya know." he said, not making it any easier on me.

"I know." I said softly.

"You okay, Phil?" he asked sternly.

"Yeah...I'm just sore, and tired...and homesick...and I miss Cactus. She made me feel a little guilty that I hadn't seen her lately." I said.

"She wants to see you. It's Uncle Punk this and Uncle Punk that. And when she sees you on television...forget it." he said.

I laughed softly, wiping away the last of the tears. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You're her favorite wrestler. I'm just chopped liver compared to you." he said, laughing.

I laughed with him. It felt bittersweet to laugh then. "Tell her I love her and give her a goodnight kiss from Uncle Punk tonight, would ya old man?" I asked.

"Sure thing, Phil." he said. "You sure every thing's alright?" he asked me.

"Yeah. Nothing a little sleep can't fix." I sighed.

"_Satan, you know where I lie _

_Gently I go into that good night _

_All our lives get complicated _

_Search for pleasures overrated _

_Never armed our souls _

_For what the future would hold _

_When we were innocent_

_Angels, lend me your might _

_Forfeit all my lives _

_To get just one right _

_All those colors long since faded _

_All our smiles are confiscated _

_Never were we told _

_What the future would hold _

_When we were innocent _

_This prayer is for me tonight _

_This far down that line_

_And still ain't got it right _

_And while confessions not yet stated _

_Our next sin is contemplated _

_Never did we know _

_What the future would hold _

_Or that we'd be bought and sold _

_When we were innocent"_


End file.
